worst tooth fairy ever

I clearly remember the night I found out the tooth fairy wasn’t real. With my tooth under the pillow and ready to be taken to wherever it is those fairies take the teeth my dad came in to say goodnight. I can still feel his arm slip under the pillow as he kissed my cheek goodnight. I asked him what he was doing, only to see he had two coins in his hand, ready to make the sneaky exchange. He was outed. I can’t say I was really disappointed seeing as it still meant I could keep the money.

Being a parent and keeping all of these silly lies afloat is hard work. I always thought I would be that parent that would decorate the house for each holiday, make cookies shaped like ghosts or bunnies or hearts or whatever mascot represents a certain holiday. I have found I am more the parent that forgets a holiday is happening until other parents are posting their creative Elf on the Shelf scenarios. Our elf, Steve, he is now a permanent part of the family. He never went back to the North Pole, he is currently hanging out with Barbie and Spider Man in the toy bin.

Whoever came up with these traditions must not have been a parent. Let’s pinch people who don’t wear green. Yeah, that’s smart. Send my kid home in tears because I can’t remember a holiday. I’m not even Irish. Don’t punish my kids because I don’t have it all together. Which brings me to the tooth fairy. I’m going to guess it was some child’s aunt or uncle without kids that set up the tooth fairy. I thought I was the worst tooth fairy until my kids 4th tooth fell out and I really started thinking about it. Who thought it would be a great idea to put a tooth under a pillow where a child is sleeping? How am I supposed to get to the tooth if my kids head is on it? Explain this to me.

My first mistake was setting the bar too high. $1 seemed like a decent amount for a first tooth lost. I think I got $.50 in 1986 and according to the inflation calendar that would be $1.05 today. I’ve got two kids who will each lose about 20 teeth. That’s 40 teeth at $1 a tooth. $40! Forty dollars for nature doing its thing. No wonder kids have entitlement issues these days.

My second mistake was looking at Pinterest for fun ideas. Sure I’ll sprinkle glitter on the dollar bill. How cute will that be?! Not so cute when after I sprinkled said glitter, silver glitter landed on everything else I touched the rest of the night. It looked like that darn fairy flew all over our house. She was even kind enough to empty the dishwasher.

            My third mistake was actually allowing my son to put his tooth under his pillow. Its challenging enough sneaking into my son’s room just to check on him without him waking up, let alone literally have to move his head out of the way to get to the tooth.  I hadn’t even reached his bed yet when Soren shot up from a deep sleep. “Oh mom, it’s just you. I was so excited I thought you were the tooth fairy!” Great. Now I had to wait until he fell back asleep to try it all over again.

            My fourth mistake was lying to my child. He asked me if God made the tooth fairy. Forgive me Lord, I said I didn’t know.

            The morning he woke up to find a note from the tooth fairy, a trail of glitter from the window to his bed and one whole dollar he was ecstatic! He couldn’t wait to lose more teeth. I admit, seeing the happiness some glitter and a dollar could produce was contagious. I know there are so many opinions on introducing fictional characters into the home and that’s not a debate I care to get into, because frankly it’s up to each family to decide how they want to handle it. I believed in Santa, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy and I turned out fine. At least, I like to believe I did.

            So parents, I urge you before jumping on the tooth fairy bandwagon, think it through. Maybe have your child put their tooth next to their bed. And please, for my sake, do not use glitter. You’ll thank me! But honestly, I love parents who get creative with holidays. I really do. That is some parents gift and I never want to take that away from them or make them feel like they have to hide it or apologize for it. You go ahead and dye your milk green on St Patrick’s Day and decorate your house to the nines for Halloween. But please can I ask just one more thing? Please remember each family has their own way of doing things and don’t teach your children to pinch mine if they aren’t wearing green.

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